Self-Compassion

Some notes on my experience with severe depression:

-The feeling is an oppressive foreboding numbness that takes hold of you like food poisoning.  You are unsettled to the point of not being able to sit still, but at the same time unable to bring yourself to do anything.  You feel hatred for yourself that is only out done by the numbness you feel for everything.  There is no happiness to associate with anything.  Everything, every component of your life is awful, pressure filled, unbearable, disappointing.  You also feel like you are disappointing everyone in your life.  It is a paralyzing void that feels horrendously stifling.  

-Suicide can be talked about frankly.  It is not a taboo subject.  Many of us have reached a precipice of suicide and decided not to for the sheer fact that as long as we have loved ones around we don’t want to give them any of the pain we may feel.  We hate ourselves anyway so we continue to endure the severe depression.  This further traps us because suicide is no longer a viable option, which strengthens the depression.  We talk and think about suicide candidly because it is not so much the aspect of death that we associate with suicide.  It’s relief.  An erasing, a muting of the intense depression that feels so staggeringly debilitating, ambiguous, and incurable.

-It’s a chemical imbalance.  Many of us do not want to take drugs.  If we do not, we have to accept the chemical imbalance within us.  We must understand that part of our brain is out to kill us.  So we must look at our depression as a desensitized monitory aspect of our being.  The only saving grace is objective analysis.  Being able to analyze oneself in a way that is real, “I have an issue.  I’m going through a deep depression period.  The only thing I can do is wait it out.”  Enduring and desperately dragging ourselves through horrible depression periods is the only way to get through to a shallower depression.  Wait it out. 

-These depression periods are not reactive like it can be for many.  In fact, actual traumatic experiences can be easier for us to deal with because we have an actual cause to deal with, rather than an ambiguous paralysis.  These states come about at any phase of life: excellent periods of life where you have a good job, relationship, house, etc; as well as terrible periods of life.  Deep depression can come about at any time.   Never expect otherwise.  Many times we find ourselves at our most depressed after experiencing something great (i.e. fantastic sex, receiving a bunch of money, succeeding at work, receiving an award) because the numbness and depression is still present.  We need to be patient with ourselves and endure these times.  Accept the sickness of our brains, objectively tell ourselves, ‘It’s another dark period that I need to endure and wait out.  I’m not going to torture myself by wondering why this is happening or be angry because it’s happening.’  At a certain period, it enables us to accept the depression as an illness and endure.  Over years we’ll be able to get stronger at enduring, shortening, and sometimes avoiding these periods of severe depression.

-There are definite trends and triggers we all have that can make matters worse.  Avoiding triggers or simply being aware of triggers; be it booze, recreational drugs, certain people in your life, etc; can help but is not entirely preventative.  The same goes with helpful behaviors.  Obviously, moderate living, exercise, and therapy will help with depression.  Finding something to help through dark periods is important.  When I was 20, I discovered fiction.  Reading really helps me, so does swimming laps at the gym.  A friend of mine who suffers from similar severe depression finds golf to be helpful.  These are all helpful insights but they are in no way cures or preventative.  So don’t expect them to be.  Remember there is an imbalance that will always be within us and will grip us no matter what.  The most important thing to do is to objectively analyze and be aware of it so we can endure.  We all know those periods of depression where all we can do is lie in bed and stare at the TV for hours and hours.  Swimming, golf, and reading, avoiding destructive behavior are drops in the bucket at this point.  Furthermore, many times during dark periods we’ll have a random productive and happy day where we think we are out of the woods only to find the next day that we are not.  Do not get discouraged and angry.  Accept and endure.  Objective analysis and awareness is crucial at this point, ‘Part of my brain is attacking me right now.  It’s just something that happens.  I’m going to wait it out.’ 

-I can’t reiterate enough how important objective analysis and patience are when dealing with severe depression.  Spending less time asking and getting upset as to why we feel this way, and when / how can we stop it is detrimental.  Spending more time accepting the imbalance and learning to better manage and deal with it is a vital step toward improvement.  However, within this context there are trends, triggers, and helpful behaviors we’ll begin to learn about ourselves in our battle with depression.  One trend I have noticed in my experience is that when I enter a new phase in my life a dark period is more prone to happen.  For example: moving to a new city, starting an important relationship, starting a new job, experiencing a loss, etc.  A dark period comes about almost as our mind’s way of testing our resolve in this new phase of life.  These dark periods can be especially challenging because there is less familiarity and normalcy around to help steady us while we endure such a period.  Let’s be patient with ourselves.  Understand that this period is especially difficult because of new unfamiliar components comprising this phase of life.  Of course this will not make the depression go a way, but it can help objectively reassure our ability to anticipate, endure, and wait out severe bouts of depression.

-I cannot speak to the affects of medication.  I have only tried a medication program once.  I went on Zoloft for 6 months.  I was so bent on not wanting to take medication that if the Zoloft did have a positive affect; I didn’t allow myself to realize it.  I am in no way saying that one should or shouldn’t take medication.  This whole entry could be moot because I never gave medication a fair shot.  However, I do want to touch upon therapy.  It is important.  Whatever resource one uses for therapy be it books, psychologists, counselors, friends, etc.  Help is important in our development of being able to accept, objectively analyze, and be patient with ourselves.  Professional therapy with a counselor is more than a resource for coping.  There are aspects of therapy that actually treat depression and have the potential to go much deeper.  There is more and more research and studies that confirm how traumatic or difficult events in one's life can affect one's brain chemistry causing the brain to act against us like it can do.  However, in the same way traumatic events can alter brain chemistry, the converse is true as well, realizations and learned management skills that come from therapy can also alter brain chemistry for the better.
    It is difficult for those who keep the depths of their depression to themselves, which is what many of us do.  Mainly because we feel that most will not understand the ambiguity and intensity of our depression, which is true.  Many times when we do share our despair with a friend they are unable to describe a similar type of depression.  They describe reactive depressive periods of their lives which can leave us feeling worse because it makes what we are feeling that much more isolating and concerning.  Our depression is severe and based on chemical imbalance.  It can grip us for no rhyme or reason.  Many people cannot relate to that, but try because they care about us.  Don’t worry about dragging a friend down by talking to them because we are not.  If anything we are causing them to worry about us because they care about us which is ok because by talking to them we are also simultaneously appeasing their worry because we are reaching out for help.  Let friends care, but don’t expect them to provide accurate empathy.  You are not alone in your severe depression.
    Yes, there are bad shrinks and bad advice out there, but there is a majority of fantastic therapeutic resources through web sites, books, and professional counseling.

-My dad used to say something helpful in regards to stress.  “We only get nervous or stressed about things that are important to us.”  There are some components from that idea that can be applied to people who suffer from severe depression.  Many people who suffer from severe depression tend to keep things close to the vest making it difficult to predict who is suffering from sever depression even if they are outgoing and magnetic to be around, in fact many of us are.  The several people I’ve met who are truly similar to me and the depression I deal with, are vibrant, compelling people.  The same brain that is capable of imposing such pain is acutely, brilliantly sensitive and capable of seeing details in people and the world that not everybody can.  There tends to be an insatiable appetite for substance among people who suffer from severe depression.  This can be very difficult when analyzing the complexities of life, but also very rewarding in that our keen sensitivity allows us to be capable of extraordinary insight, knowledge, love, apathy, etc which in turn can lead to success in creative, scholastic, and other professional fields.  Proust associated pain with the acquisition of knowledge, “We suffer therefore we think.” Use the positive, gifted aspects of your brain to your advantage.  Yes, there is a heavy price to pay but there are great advantages and potential in minds that are unfortunately also capable of such inhibiting depression.  Those same amplified sensitivities we posses that cause negative emotions to be felt at such a larger, debilitating scale are the same sensitivities that cause positive realizations and insights that have a powerful more lasting affect.  There is a narrow grey area of beauty and potential in the mind of someone who suffers from severe depression.  It is extremely challenging to live within this volatile grey area where great beauty and advantage reside alongside very damaging, debilitating, and ambiguous depression.  It takes great courage to daily live on this tightrope, but it is the only choice other than suicide or medication there is.  The more we manage the horrible aspects of depression, accept the imbalance, and endure the intense periods; the better we will be able to live in this grey area of brilliance and pain with more virtuosity.  This takes time, experience, and perspective; so let’s be patient with ourselves and our imbalanced yet beautiful brains.